Category: Uncategorized

…when you feel like you don’t really have anything to say?

This is one of those days for me.

Sorry.

From Saturday at my mom’s:

Well, the Boy’s been gone for two hours now.

I’ve gotten two hours of uninterrupted work done. I haven’t been able to do that in months.

God bless my mother!

The dogs are a little freaked out, though.

Blogger was down last night when I went to post this, so my apologies for, you know, whatever…

Let’s see if I can watch ER and blog at the same time…

Uh, no. No, I can’t. Romano just lost his arm, and if I hadn’t heard that that was going to happen, I truly think that I would have booted. Even knowing that it was coming, I almost booted.

The great thing about this episode (the season premiere), though, is that it reminds me a lot of the ERs of old. Lots of drama and tension that sucks you in, so much so that you don’t even realize that 30 whole minutes have gone by.

Anyway. I love ER.

So, back to what I hinted at the other day… I am going to sound completely insane here, but I hoping that I’m not the only one with a secret internal monologue.

Sure, I realize that everyone has their own internal monologue, but mine happens to lapse into gansta-speak occasionally. Very occasionally. No, not the n-word or “knowwhatI’msayin” or anything like that. Mostly Snoop Doggy Dog speak. You know, “hizzouse,” etc.

I think this has been happening more frequently lately because I have been trying to cut down on my foul language. When the Parents as Teachers lady was here last month, she said that even though Auggie isn’t talking much yet, he is “soaking it all in.” I figure that means he’s soaking in my potty mouth as well, so I had better clean up my act.

As a result, I’ve started adding in the “izza”s that Snoop is so famous for into my internal dialogue. Well, the other day, we were driving home and there was this sawhorse right in the middle of the street. So I blurt out, ‘What the hizzell is that?’

And Tim says, ‘What did you just say?’

I sit in stunned silence, trying to think of a logical explanation. What the Twizzler is that? What the huzzah is that? Nothing fits.

‘Did you just say “hizzell”?’

Much laughter ensued. At my expense. I deserve it.

*sobs*

Oh! I probably won’t be posting tomorrow, as my mother is taking Auggie with her for the night.

WOOHOO!

I’m overwhelmed with possibilities! I can go sit at the coffeehouse and get some actual writing done! I could simply sit quietly and read a book! I COULD GO SHOE SHOPPING, FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIZZIST!

Since it’s time for bed and also that I’m just lazy, I’ll include the e-mail exchange between my older brother and I from today. It’s pretty entertaining. At least I thought it was.

To wit:

—–Original Message—–

From: Beth

Sent: Wednesday, September 25, 2002 1:20 PM

To: Oh wise sage older brother with more degrees than I

Subject: Tim, call off your dogs!

Apparently, it was the title company doing the shoddy work.  Tim called our attorney, of whom I take back all the nasty things I said, and he pulled our file and told him when the quick-claim title was filed (down to the minute, no less) and assured him that indeed the title was in our name.  I thought it was kinda weird, because the property tax bill was in our name last year, so somebody knew the house was ours…  

 

So everyone is back on track and it seems that all we need to close is a release dealie from Tim’s parents.  I should have been an attorney, don’t you think?

 

Anyway, thanks for the sound legal advice, bro.  You my homie!  (tips 40 oz. to homie)

 

Gotta go, Auggie is back in the dog crate again…

 

Your friend in Vishnu,

Beth

His response:

From: Stinky McHotpants

To: Beth, beth, bo-beth

Sent: Wednesday, September 25, 2002 4:34 PM

Subject: RE: Tim, call off your dogs!

Well…before you go applying to the Harvard School of Law Correspondence Program, Lionel Hutz, you should know that your attorney probably prepared what is known as a “Quit-Claim” Deed.  The Quick-Claim deeds are only prepared by those guys at the traffic law and one hour photo center.  If your lawyer is transferring title to you via Quit Claim Deeds, he may not be your lawyer.  He sounds more like your in-laws’ lawyer.  Call for explanation…fingers hurting.

 

Shane

There’s something you should know about me. A while back, I fessed up to being a self-help book addict. One major branch of this addiction is books about keeping your house clean. I love ’em. Can’t get enough of ’em. Talking Dirty With the Queen of Clean? Yeah, buddy. Big Book of Hints from Heloise? Just bought it. Sink Reflections? You know it!

You mean you haven’t heard of Sink Reflections? Dude, it’s the funky-fresh, latest release from Flylady! You are not familiar with Flylady? Well, then obviously you are either an obsessive-compulsive neat freak or a total slob who is comfortable wallowing in his or her own filth.

Flylady is my hero. She sends me helpful e-mails (sometimes over a dozen a day), reminding me to shine my kitchen sink (don’t ask) or get my big butt moving and exercise. She’s quite bossy. Come to think of it, she’s my mom! Oh, wait, no. My mom hasn’t reminded me to clean up around the house in almost 10 years.

Man, I’m old.

Anyway. In yet another random change of subject, you simply must read this. Sure, it’s cliché to link to The Onion and all, but this is damn funny. Especially if you have a dog. And if that dog (or dogs) is a dachshund.

I gotta start getting to bed earlier…

Tomorrow: When your secret internal monologue comes flying out of your mouth before you can stop it!

There’s another life in this world tonight.

Congratulations to Chris and Shelley, proud parents of a new baby boy.

All are healthy and enjoying their first night together as a family.

Can Auggie come over and play yet?

This article is pretty much everything that I’m about. Sure, you can only read the first 3 pages of it online, but I think I got the gist of it.

Also, in the last scene of Armageddon, the dress that Liv Tyler is wearing? I wore that same dress to the Kentucky Derby in 2000. I swear on all that is holy.

Oh. My. Who knew that Armageddon was this bad? I mean, really!

We missed both of the big “comet-hurtling-towards-the-Earth” movies, but Armageddon is actually on ABC tonight. You probably didn’t notice because you were watching the Emmys on NBC.

Anyway, it’s so bad that we just can’t stop watching!

So bad it’s good? No, not by a long shot. That’s more like Evil Dead 2 or Daniel Johnston songs.

We had a pretty good weekend with the little dude. We went over to Grant’s Farm yesterday for the first time in the two years we’ve lived here, which is actually kinda funny, since we live so close to it. And it’s free. And you get free beer! How have we not been here every weekend? And every other week day?

We had a great time, bottle-feeding the baby goats, ogling the various animals around the preserve, drinking the free beer and visiting with the huge Clydesdales.

I think Auggie may have had a good time too.

We took my friend Octavia out for dinner at this neato restaurant called the 94th Aerosquadron. It’s right by the airport, with a great view of the runways. The food was not very good, the service was friendly but very slow and the planes were pretty loud at times. But, all in all, I must admit that I enjoyed myself. Of course, most of that was probably because I got to visit with Octavia.

Today we went down to Jefferson County to visit our friends and deliver a revamped computer to them. I love going out to the country, especially in the fall. Today was one of the first truly cool days of the season and I was loving every minute of it.

Our friends have a great place out in the woods. A great garden, a good dog, two horses and just an overall ideal existence. Can you tell that I’m just a wee envious of their lives?

Oh, poor Liv Tyler! Who will stay behind to detonate the bomb?! Shed not those big, fat elven tears!

Sorry, still watching Armageddon.

Gotta go now. There’s only 18 minutes until the comet hits.

Ah, the weekend is finally here.

I don’t know why this has felt like kind of a long week, but there you go. Actually, it was a lot like every week for me — long, but yet short too. I mean, in some ways it feels like it was just last weekend, but in other ways, it seems like it’s been forever since last weekend.

I’m not making any sense. I apologize.

Some of you may be wondering what is happening with our friends Chris and Shelley and their new baby. Well, they are still waiting for their baby! Shelley is now 9 days overdue and I am having a hard time even imagining what that must be like. I was three days overdue with August, and that seemed an interminable amount.

So we’re sending “C’mon, baby!” thoughts to you guys. I am so proud of them for letting their baby take his/her own time. So many of us kicked them out when they had overstayed their welcome. If it’s any consolation, when I compare my friends’ stories of how their labors started naturally to my own experience of jump-starting the major contractions with pitocin, theirs sound much more pleasant. But pitocin isn’t the end of the world, either.

We’re just hoping for a healthy baby and mommy (and daddy, for that matter).

Changing subjects abruptly: We now have an Apple store! For the love of Chrisna, it’s the most beautiful thing in the new West County Mall. Yes, I was insane enough to go there on its opening day. No, I was not insane enough to buy anything.

I was compelled to go for two reasons:

1) To worship at the new Apple store; and

2) To see the half-acre of shoes at Nordstrom’s.

First, the Apple store. It’s white. On many levels, actually. The lights make everything glow. It was so beautiful, I almost cried. Seriously. It was like heaven. Super-cool, kick-ass computer heaven. Even Auggie sat up and took notice.

I wanted a copy of Microsoft Word for OS X, but it is $369 and I just cannot justify paying that much when Apple Works is completely adequate. (Just not sexy in any way.)

One totally funny moment in the Apple store: I was looking at the display of digital cameras and camcorders when an older feller picked up one of those new tiny Sony camcorders and asked his younger companion, ‘What’s this?’ Feeling filled with the wonder of all things Apple, I piped up, ‘It’s a video camera.’

He looked up at me and I thought he was about to tell me that of course he knew what it was and I should keep my mouth shut when people ask rhetorical questions. Instead he said, ‘Really,’ completely astonished, without a trace of irony.

It was a great moment. And I chuckled as I walked away. (And reaffirmed my commitment to not speak to strangers unless spoken to. I’m such a Midwesterner.)

Next, after I tore myself away from the Temple of Apple, Auggie and I trekked to the first floor of the Nordstrom’s to see the Field of Shoes. It would be completely overwhelming, I think, even without the hundreds of people milling around, sprinkled with dozens of middle-aged, executive-type men who were apparently the shoe salesmen.

I saw exactly two pairs of shoes that I would ever consider wearing, but there was no way that I was going to pay $104 for a pair of black boots with a cool, sporty sole that would most certainly not fit in with the ole play group activities.

The Merrell Jungle Mocs for $69? Maybe. But not today. Too many people.

I felt like such a yokel, browsing around Nordstrom’s. I saw a sweater coat thing that had a $2,100 price tag and I was all like, ‘Well, goll-ee!’ I felt like freakin Gomer Pyle over here!

So, all in all, we had a good time, fighting the crowds with our stroller, waging war in the parking lot, and blazing new trails as we were the first to defy the “15 minute Food Court parking only” signs, since all the garages were full.

We’re rebels.