My life is a children’s book

Five pounds, lost into the stratosphere!

Yay!

It’s funny, because everyone talks about how the first week or so’s sometimes dramatic weight loss is “water weight.” I don’t think this is an accurate term, as we have been drinking more water than a weiner dog in the Sahara. (Sorry, I know that was a lame metaphor, but it’s late and I’m tired. Give a girl a break, won’t ya?) Anyway, I’m just thankful that something happened, because I was ready to chuck it all and go for a peanut buster parfait last night.

I feel like I’m learning a lot about myself that I didn’t know before. (Hence the “learning,” Beth. Duh. Please refer that last sentence to the Department of Redundancy Department.) I thought that we ate a fine amount of fruits and vegetables before. Apparently, I must have convinced myself that Fig Newtons and Veggie Booty count in that category, because bumping up our F&V’s to five servings a day is hard! I’m buying vegetables that I have no idea how to prepare (i.e., artichokes).

Sorry to turn into Seinfeld here, but what is the deal with artichokes? Do people really cook these things themselves instead of just buying the jar of artichoke hearts? If someone can enlighten me as to the secret of this prickly, yet slimy when steamed vegetable, please do.

Another thing I’m learning is that I get hungry at roughly the same times every day. Late afternoon is my “dinner’s not for a few hours, so let’s see what’s in the pantry” time. Late evening is my “need something sweet for dessert” time.

Now that I have to deal with these times instead of just eating my way through them, I’ve found that distracting myself by playing with Auggie outside or just drinking some water can help me over the rough spots.

OK! Are you bored to pieces yet? Here’s something funny: Tim and I have to move the entire top floor of our house to the bottom floor! It’s like some wacky Brady Bunch episode! We’re having our hardwood floors refinished in the dining room, living room, all four bedrooms and the hallway. Which means that everything must be moved off of said floors.

Shoot.

Luckily, Tim is on the case, and has slowly been moving stuff down into the garage. Actually, we’ve been like the tortoise and the hare, because last Monday, Tim started clearing off the bookshelves and I was like, ‘Dude, why are you doing that? We’ve got tons of time, man.’

And Tim was like, ‘If we don’t start now, we’re going to be in big trouble. We have a lot of stuff to move, and I don’t want to wait until the last minute.’

And I laughed and laughed.

Of course, now that we’re a week away, I’m starting to get all panicky. I’m all in my list-making mode. Must! List! Everything! Luckily, Tim has done a great job of getting the non-essential things taken care of, so we’re good. I even helped carry stuff down tonight.

Our poor cars have to sleep outside. I feel so bad for them.

Look at me, I’m on TV!

Auggie and I are off to my brother’s house for the night, to hang out with his three kids while he and my sister-in-law enjoy an evening of adult conversation. Lucky them.

Ah-ha, but it is I who am the lucky one! (Man, does that sentence read as awkwardly as it was to type? What about that one?) Their kids rock. We’re going to have some fun.

Things are continuing apace with the new “lifestyle program” (heretofore referenced as The Program, but not in any way affiliated with Bob Greene of Oprah fame. I mean, I did read Make the Connection a few years ago [see past references to my yin for self-help books], but, anyway. Where was I?). Tim has already lost four pounds. I refuse to weigh myself more than once a week, so I have no idea.

I am going to totally hate Tim by the end of this, aren’t I? I just need to deal with the fact that men lose weight faster than women. Is it fair? No. Is it another way The Man is keeping me down? You know it, sister.

This is not a contest. This is not a contest…

It’s actually really nice to have Tim doing this with me. We’re in it together, figuring out what to eat when, how much, etc. It could be worse, I suppose. He could be one of those people who can eat anything they want and never gain weight. (If you are one of those people, please eat some frozen custard for me. I’m afraid for the Ted Drewes’ bottom line now that Tim and I are no longer indulging.)

Oh! Thanks to one of our unbelievably nice and well-connected friends, we have tickets to both Cards playoff games this weekend! So if you’re feeling bored Saturday evening, turn on FOX and look for us behind third base. (Like four rows behind third base, woo hoo!)

I’ll be the dork in the Jim Edmonds jersey, yapping on my cell phone and trying to keep Auggie from running out onto the field.

Fudgy goodness

I apologize for the malaise, my friends. Tim and I have begun a new “lifestyle program” (which will remain nameless, and, no, it’s not a cult) and we have been having a little trouble adjusting. Mainly, we are tired and hungry.

But it’s getting better!

Can I just say how much I love my mom? Not just because she took The Boy for the night last Friday (more about this coming up), but also because when I told her about our new “lifestyle” she said, ‘Oh, honey, you don’t need to do that. I was just thinking last weekend how good you looked.’ Isn’t she the best? Thanks, Mom.

Anyway, I know I need to deliver the goods, as it were, on our Big Night Out 2002. Sounds like some kinda lame sorority hay ride or something, doesn’t it?

We had a fabulous time.

Tim got home just as I was laying back on the couch, enjoying the silence. We then got suitably attired for dinner at Shittake, a nice restaurant in Clayton. We then wasted approximately 45 minutes in search of a breast pump and were nearly late for our reservations.

Once we settled in at the restaurant, we promptly ordered sake bombers, just to assure the wait staff that we were the kind of high-caliber customers that they love to wait on.

Dinner was great. Even though I ended up making Tim switch entrees. I ordered lobster pad thai. Doesn’t that sound wonderful? Doesn’t your mouth just start watering, imagining the wonderful richness of lobster paired with the savory pad-thai-ness of pad thai? Me too! Unfortunately, it was soupy. And way too spicy. And had lemon grass. Wha..? I know! So I stole Tim’s shittake-encrusted sea bass with mashed potatoes, which rocked. (Note: Tim said he enjoyed my entree, even though he left half of it behind. Did I mention how much I love him?)

Dessert was even better. Tim flaked and got some guava sorbet. I hit the sweet spot and enjoyed a chocolate torte with coconut-brown sugar ice cream. There were little chocolate-y birds singing, the sun set over my shoulder and white chocolate fireworks were exploding in air, my friends. It was That Good. Did I mention that chocolate is not a large part of the new “lifestyle program”?

We also drank a bottle of wine.

So, needless to say, us lightweights were feeling pretty good as we hit the sidewalk. We decided to walk over to the local coffee concern (a Starbucks, ug). We then walked around Clayton, window shopping and dodging random throngs of high school kids headed for the barbecue place. I know, I was confused too.

We ended up down at Mississippi Nights for a rock show featuring old favorites The Promise Ring. We got there just as they were starting their set and I proceeded to feel like a complete fossil as I watched all the 16-year-olds bounce to the music. Then I made a total ass of myself by asking the merch guy if they had any Cap’n Jazz (an early incarnation of TPR). [Damn you, Jim Littrell! Buying that last Cap’n Jazz record back at the Engineering Auditorium! I’ll never forgive you!]

I’m such a dork.

All told, the show ended early and we were home by midnight. We enjoyed a blissful night of uninterrupted sleep, even though we both woke up around 6, Auggie’s usual wake-up time. The great part: We went back to sleep!

And he survived! Auggie had a great time with my mom. We showed up down there around 2 and he was glad to see us, which was nice. I guess it’s just hard to imagine that I’m, well, indispensable. Since he no longer depends on me alone for food, he’s able to branch out and be more independent. Sure, this is a little sad, but it’s mostly incredible.

He’s getting so big.

This one makes me dizzy…

From Saturday at my mom’s:

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Freedom, horrible freedom

Well, the Boy’s been gone for two hours now.

I’ve gotten two hours of uninterrupted work done. I haven’t been able to do that in months.

God bless my mother!

The dogs are a little freaked out, though.

*&^! Blogger!

Blogger was down last night when I went to post this, so my apologies for, you know, whatever…

Let’s see if I can watch ER and blog at the same time…

Uh, no. No, I can’t. Romano just lost his arm, and if I hadn’t heard that that was going to happen, I truly think that I would have booted. Even knowing that it was coming, I almost booted.

The great thing about this episode (the season premiere), though, is that it reminds me a lot of the ERs of old. Lots of drama and tension that sucks you in, so much so that you don’t even realize that 30 whole minutes have gone by.

Anyway. I love ER.

So, back to what I hinted at the other day… I am going to sound completely insane here, but I hoping that I’m not the only one with a secret internal monologue.

Sure, I realize that everyone has their own internal monologue, but mine happens to lapse into gansta-speak occasionally. Very occasionally. No, not the n-word or “knowwhatI’msayin” or anything like that. Mostly Snoop Doggy Dog speak. You know, “hizzouse,” etc.

I think this has been happening more frequently lately because I have been trying to cut down on my foul language. When the Parents as Teachers lady was here last month, she said that even though Auggie isn’t talking much yet, he is “soaking it all in.” I figure that means he’s soaking in my potty mouth as well, so I had better clean up my act.

As a result, I’ve started adding in the “izza”s that Snoop is so famous for into my internal dialogue. Well, the other day, we were driving home and there was this sawhorse right in the middle of the street. So I blurt out, ‘What the hizzell is that?’

And Tim says, ‘What did you just say?’

I sit in stunned silence, trying to think of a logical explanation. What the Twizzler is that? What the huzzah is that? Nothing fits.

‘Did you just say “hizzell”?’

Much laughter ensued. At my expense. I deserve it.

*sobs*

Oh! I probably won’t be posting tomorrow, as my mother is taking Auggie with her for the night.

WOOHOO!

I’m overwhelmed with possibilities! I can go sit at the coffeehouse and get some actual writing done! I could simply sit quietly and read a book! I COULD GO SHOE SHOPPING, FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIZZIST!

Let’s see if this’ll hold ’em

Since it’s time for bed and also that I’m just lazy, I’ll include the e-mail exchange between my older brother and I from today. It’s pretty entertaining. At least I thought it was.

To wit:

—–Original Message—–

From: Beth

Sent: Wednesday, September 25, 2002 1:20 PM

To: Oh wise sage older brother with more degrees than I

Subject: Tim, call off your dogs!

Apparently, it was the title company doing the shoddy work.  Tim called our attorney, of whom I take back all the nasty things I said, and he pulled our file and told him when the quick-claim title was filed (down to the minute, no less) and assured him that indeed the title was in our name.  I thought it was kinda weird, because the property tax bill was in our name last year, so somebody knew the house was ours…  

 

So everyone is back on track and it seems that all we need to close is a release dealie from Tim’s parents.  I should have been an attorney, don’t you think?

 

Anyway, thanks for the sound legal advice, bro.  You my homie!  (tips 40 oz. to homie)

 

Gotta go, Auggie is back in the dog crate again…

 

Your friend in Vishnu,

Beth

His response:

From: Stinky McHotpants

To: Beth, beth, bo-beth

Sent: Wednesday, September 25, 2002 4:34 PM

Subject: RE: Tim, call off your dogs!

Well…before you go applying to the Harvard School of Law Correspondence Program, Lionel Hutz, you should know that your attorney probably prepared what is known as a “Quit-Claim” Deed.  The Quick-Claim deeds are only prepared by those guys at the traffic law and one hour photo center.  If your lawyer is transferring title to you via Quit Claim Deeds, he may not be your lawyer.  He sounds more like your in-laws’ lawyer.  Call for explanation…fingers hurting.

 

Shane

I (heart) laundry

There’s something you should know about me. A while back, I fessed up to being a self-help book addict. One major branch of this addiction is books about keeping your house clean. I love ’em. Can’t get enough of ’em. Talking Dirty With the Queen of Clean? Yeah, buddy. Big Book of Hints from Heloise? Just bought it. Sink Reflections? You know it!

You mean you haven’t heard of Sink Reflections? Dude, it’s the funky-fresh, latest release from Flylady! You are not familiar with Flylady? Well, then obviously you are either an obsessive-compulsive neat freak or a total slob who is comfortable wallowing in his or her own filth.

Flylady is my hero. She sends me helpful e-mails (sometimes over a dozen a day), reminding me to shine my kitchen sink (don’t ask) or get my big butt moving and exercise. She’s quite bossy. Come to think of it, she’s my mom! Oh, wait, no. My mom hasn’t reminded me to clean up around the house in almost 10 years.

Man, I’m old.

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Anyway. In yet another random change of subject, you simply must read this. Sure, it’s cliché to link to The Onion and all, but this is damn funny. Especially if you have a dog. And if that dog (or dogs) is a dachshund.

I gotta start getting to bed earlier…

Tomorrow: When your secret internal monologue comes flying out of your mouth before you can stop it!

Hello, baby!

There’s another life in this world tonight.

Congratulations to Chris and Shelley, proud parents of a new baby boy.

All are healthy and enjoying their first night together as a family.

Can Auggie come over and play yet?